I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
