Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
