I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
