Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
