I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
