what day is it and did you see me today?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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