how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
