I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
