Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
