its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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