I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
