im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize