ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize