She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
