Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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