i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
