yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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