Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
