you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
