Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
