If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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