On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Shame is for Republicans.
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