i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
