I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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