hotel room ftw
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
