Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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