I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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