All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
