omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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