I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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