The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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