I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
