Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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