Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
