My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
