guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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