My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
