he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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