youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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