My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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