I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
