you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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