Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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