we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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