His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
