I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You may now shotgun with the bride
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
