I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
