He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
