you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
