If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
